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Saturday, August 27, 2011

RepetitionRepetitionRepetition, Crash

     I pulled the wool blanket tighter around me and sighed. My breath swirled and pushed into your chiseled features.
     You smiled at me, flashing perfect dimples.
     The air was dry and cold, in the most refreshing and cleansing way. I felt it all the way through my bones like a dream catcher, taking all the nightmares away. I tuned into the gentle swaying of the ship and nuzzled my head into your shoulder, where it fit perfectly. You kissed my forehead. You had surprisingly gentle lips... for a guy.
     "Look up at the stars, Naomi," you whispered into my hair.
     I looked up and saw dark night sky, covered in clouds. I laughed and pushed you a little bit. You smiled wider and pushed me back. Things are so easy with you, as a friend. It was worth all the stress of getting to this point. Despite the fact that you broke my heart countless times... But I wasn't in the mood to sit around and talk some more about our feelings. I would much rather run away from them all. Literally.
     I detached myself from you (slightly unwillingly) and stood up. I put my hand out to you, inviting you to come along. You looked at me and raised your eyebrows, but before our skin could make contact, I was off.
My bare feet sank into wet ground in the pool areas. It was green and fuzzy. My toes were numb by now, but that didn't bother me. I was on a mission. Which was of course the same mission as it usually is; run until I fall off the edge. I twisted my head around to see how far behind you were, and shrieked when you flashed by me, grabbing my hand and pulling me along.
     I was fast. You've always been faster.
     Soon we were outside again, near the rear of the ship. You slowed down, but didn't let go. I slid my other hand along the railing, the only thing separating us from the frigid ocean. Though it was nighttime, I could see a faint outline of the Alaskan mountains. I leaned over the edge and watched the water splashing around the massive boat.
     I felt your arms wrap around my stomach and your nose against my neck. The body heat was much welcomed. Cold as I was, I wouldn't have gone inside. This was one of the moments that I wanted to stretch as thin as possible
     I turned around so I was facing you and leaning against the metal bars.
     "Its windy," I giggled as my hair spread across my face, blinding me.
     "I'll protect you." You put your forehead against mine and stared straight into my eyes.
     Unwavering, strong. You didn't sway even in the harshest conditions.
     My smile loosened. "I know. You always do."
     You kissed the corner of my mouth. "Smile my dear, or the sun might not come up."
     How could I not smile at that? I leaned my head against your chest and listened to your heartbeat. Steady, consistent. Real, alive.
     I looked up at you, tears brimming. "I thought you would be gone by now." Like last time. And the time before that. My mouth barely opened to let the words pass.
     "I noticed something. Anywhere else that I end up going is never better than this."
     "What is 'this' that you're referring to?" To be honest, I didn't want to know the answer to this question. Sometimes things just slip.
     "Being with you. Being right here right now, and not five days from now in a whole new place. This is what I need."
     What about what I need? What about how you can't stand for me to let you go, but won't let me have you either? You can only hand me the same half-assed love so many times.
      You leaned in for a kiss, because that's how these things sort themselves out. I stood in cold silence, because that's the kind of person I am.
     The wind kept blowing and I heard it rush past my ears. The waves kept crashing and spraying against the ship. Inside, doors might close and open. A young woman might walk in an elevator and try to remember what floor their room is on. Cooks might be preparing for breakfast in a couple hours. I might be stuck here, at a loss for words or actions. Confused, worn out, and homesick, I fall into your arms.
     Just like last time.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Beauty. Here we go.

Who the hell decides who is pretty and who isn't?
I'd like to smack them.
You can be "pretty" based on your physical appearance. I guess that means your face is fairly symmetrical, your eyebrows are thin and curved slightly. Your eyes might be big and curious, or angled and elegant. Your nose thin and smooth. But then again, no one even stops to go through those lists when they see someone attractive. They just stop. Most of the time, I find that people stop and stare at the people who are beautiful. Which of course is completely different from pretty. Beautiful literally radiates from your insides. Okay, maybe not your large intestine and your kidneys, but more like your spirit and soul. Someone who puts others first, and can laugh at their own mistakes, and has a special talent, will shine through all the normal people. And that's why we choose them... because you see them like you don't see everyone else. You get that feeling of wanting to know more, wanting to know everything about them. Who they are, if they love their dad, what their favorite teddy bear's name was. How did they get so damn wonderful?
It kinda bothers me when people say "don't judge a book by its cover" because when it comes to people at first glance, what else are we supposed to judge them by? We work so hard to make sure our flaws are covered and our clothes flattering. I'd like that work to be put to good use, so go ahead people, judge me by how I look. Stare at my face made pretty by smiles, not layers of makeup and concealer. Follow your curiosity and take a chance, you never know what that beautiful person sitting behind you in English class might be hiding just below the surface.

Go with your arms held wide 
Happiness in your eyes, convincing 
And stay the night, turn out every light you see 
And lay them down buried in the ground for me

"English House" -Fleet Foxes

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Filled right to the brim; more than content

So last night (this morning?) I stayed up, again, to watch the sun rise. And smartypants me, I grabbed my journal and ran outside so I could capture the feeling. And smartypants me ran through the wet grass like an idiot, to find that my step dad was standing on the front porch, starting at me like I'm an idiot. Which I am. But it was wonderful.

This is what I got.

I can feel the world coming back to me.
Dusty blue, deep turquoise, faded baby pinks highlighting the clouds. Steady shining moon, breaking through the morning dew. Sweet bitter cold, nipping at breathing skin. Sky and heart connecting. Wake up.
I am in love. I am in love with this precious world around me, croaking frogs and twinkling stars.That's enough for me. Whether or not i have someone to share it with... this is enough for me.
Never have I tasted air so sweet, nor as fresh. Never have I seen nature such as this.
This is bliss.
This is beautiful.
Everything is glowing with dawn.
Mist rises from the crisp earth, meeting in the middle with the sky that is just as perfect.
From soaking blades of grass, to the sturdy uneven concrete, feet dance with resistance.
Bright cerulean clashing with puffs of salmon, streaking and exploding across the vast skies. Like careful strokes of wings, rising against the still air. Still... like the clouds, massive and powerful, but steady.
Frozen toes nor "battery low" can sway my heart from overflowing with peace. Bright and proud I rise. I reach out to individuals, not as a whole. Filling at each stop, with love.
Good morning crows, as you kiss the clouds. The cold is refreshing and rejuvenating. Never bitter. Awe and splendor as the sun comes to brushed the horizon. Never have I seen such splendor...
Clouds fade to porcelain, sky to clear and even blue. It is the wings of love that swish and swirl the skies, those wings that add the life to this planet.
This home.
This Dawn.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Safety net, oh safety net, I call to you in a time of need

In the morning, around five twenty three... the sky is lavender. Its pale and dusty, like an underused dream. Its comforting, sweeping away the mysteries of the dark. But the sun comes up incredibly fast when you're sitting there hoping time will stop.
      I watched as shadows twirled and fought through solid materials. I thought. What else was left do to? This is who I am now. I lay awake until the sun comes up, too afraid of what slips into my mind when its dark. Then I waste away the day, lost in dreams of what will never be.
     My only regret is that I do it alone.
     Truth is, I'm missing something.
     When lovers fail, friends catch you before you fall. They tell you that you are right, this is what is right. They hug you and do not let go. They don't allow you a single second to think, maybe... possibly... I want my lover back? But what do you do when your friend, your sister, your other half, won't come home?
     You sit.
     You watch the sun rise, and watch it set.
     You wait.
     You try so hard not to think about how your former lover now has your address to mail your a birthday present. You try not to think about how you know you will lose your strength and fall once you get that present... and how there will be no one around to catch you.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Greetings, from a broken heart

I am cursed.

I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday. "Whyyy?!" you might ask.
Since I like lists, here's a list of reason why:

  1. This year, she's moving to another state to start college.
  2. She is four years older than me, which I just realized is totally creepy.
  3. Apparently she's BFFs with my ex best friend (let's call her Lena), who I happen to have some very messy history with.
  4. I don't trust her.
  5. I don't even like her as a person anymore.
  6. I fell for four different guys since school ended. No guilty feelings at all about that, I might add.
So breaking up with her was all part of my plan. I guess I felt a little bad that she was totally upset about it... but that's honestly not my problem. But then I hear that her and Lena got high together, just a few days before she was shoving weed in my own face? Maybe I'm overreacting here. It could be completely normal that two girls who are four years apart and barely saw each other all year are suddenly smoking to oblivion together. And maybe its cool that when I came over her house she was almost in tears because I didn't want to make out CONSTANTLY. Oh and here it gets good... I tell her about guy number two that I had a crush on, and all my deep feelings about him.
And then she's silent for about five minutes.
Then she says "I love you." and goes in for a kiss.
Not exactly the response I was looking for, babe. Try again.

I think I'll go back to boys for a while.

But now I have to get some sleep, since tomorrow I'm going to a Jew Festival. I really wish I could tell you what that is.

Stay sexy my friends <3

P.S. the tenth was my birthday. happy belated birthday to me :)