Popular Posts

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Sickly Sweet Dreams (2)

I'm so stupid. How can I be SUCH a coward? It's not that hard to just say "Happy Holidays, Trevor." But of course, all I can manage is an over-exaggerated "HELLO" and lots of blushing. I'm probably better off liking him from a distance anyways. Getting too close to boys always ends in me cutting. Oh don't even start with the lecture, I give it to myself enough.
Erin giggles next to me. I look over, and she's staring at the front of the classroom. Right, there's a movie playing. It's a cute movie I guess. But I'm more interested in the person in my direct line of vision. Wow I've got it bad.
I lay my head down on the desk I'm sitting at. Might as well get comfortable. I take a bunch of deep breathes until I get dizzy. The world sways and twists. It's so peaceful. So beautiful... so dark.....
I sit upright with a jolt. The movie has stopped. Why?
"I'm so sorry guys, there's some technical difficulties, hehe. We're working on it, just chat amongst yourselves for now, haha." Ms. Carlton is always so smiley, and beautiful. I'm surprised she's not married.
Outside the sky was bright and pierced through the blinds. Damn it was sunny out. When did that happen? The room was filled with talking and laughter. But when I tried to pick out words, they didn't make any sense. It just sounded like a mess of people saying "bla bla bla bla" in different tones.
Trevor stood up and stretched. Oh God, I need to stop staring at him before he notices. Crap. Too late. A dazzling smile spread across his face. So beautiful. Shit. Now he's walking over. I could feel my face on fire, blushing is a weakness of mine.
Arms wrapped around my waist. Trevor was behind me. Was he? But he was just walking toward me... wasn't he? His scent filled my senses. The one big thing I noticed about guys was how they smell. Not like body odor smell. But just their natural smell. It's something I get used to and start to miss when they're gone. Because of course, they always leave.
Holy crap Trevor smells amazing. Don't forget how to breathe. That's when I noticed I'm not breathing. But I wasn't holding my breathe either. That's strange...
His voice in my ear. Gorgeous, he said. He's so close, almost impossibly close. Then he was in front of me. But no one moved... how did that happen?
Lips on mine. Eyes closed. It felt so real. I tried to keep my eyes closed because I didn't want to see what would happen next. But the body doesn't always obey the mind. Stupid body.
Eyes wide open. Different boy in front of me. Sly smile, filled with anger and satisfactory. You can only hide for so long, Willow. Those were the words his hideous lips formed. The same words he spoke every time.
A forceful shove brought me back. Reminder to self: thank whoever it was that is waking me up.
"WILLOW. WAKE UP. UGH. YOU MISSED THE WHOLE MOVIE." Silly Erin, I wasn't watching the movie in the first place.
I blinked away spots from the heavy sleep. Everyone is staring at me. What are they looking at? Am I that ugly?
Samantha walked past me and grabbed my arm, pulling me outside the classroom. Come on people, close your mouths. Teens sleep in class all the time.
"Willow... what were you dreaming about?" Sam's tone was more like a warning than a question.
"Who said I was dreaming?" Playing stupid is always the safer way out.
"You were screaming."
Oops. "Oh... did I interrupt the movie?"
"That's not the point. Must've been an awful nightmare to make you scream like that. You wanna talk?"
Nope. Never. Then people know. "Um, actually maybe later. I should probably go back in before people think I'm a total freak."
I jogged back into class before there was time for anymore questions.
The only question I had was, when did the dream start, and how much was real?

Sickly Sweet Dreams (1)

It was three in the morning, and raining. Thunder and lightning kind of rain. I loved this weather. Even in the dark. I rolled out of bed, but after already starting my roll, I realized this bed was higher, and I probably shouldn't roll off like this. But it was too late. Not like I cared anyway. I landed on the floor with a solid *thump*. I hope that wasn't enough to wake anyone up...
I grabbed my rain-boots, which I have placed just under my bed for this moment. Carefully tip-toeing down the hall, I checked my mom's room. Just to make sure everyone was sleeping soundly. Indeed they were. I continued my journey down the stairs to the front door. I had left it unlocked so I wouldn't have to make so much noise, even the slightest sound could shake the dogs from their light sleep. I gently pulled on the cold doorknob. There was a little resistance, as if warning me to not go. But I had to. I walked outside, and the cold and rhythmic beating of rain welcomed me. I breathed in deeply the smell of damp forest. It reminded me of home. I'm not sure where home is, but I’m sure it would smell identical to this.
I stepped out onto the cool and damp porch. Thunder cracked overhead. I closed the door behind me and walked into the secret night. I found myself with a silly smile on my face. I didn't know where I was going to go. Or when I planned on coming back home. But I could never be this happy in that house. My bags were packed. My writings held close. All I wanted was to start over, in a new home. With new friends. No more medicine, no more vitamins. No more worries. The thought of that line made my head start playing.
I convinced myself that this was just the beginning of something bigger and better than what I had before. But doubt was slipping in. Then I wondered... what if I never got to say goodbye to the one person that meant the world to me? What if they thought I had died and would just give up looking for me? What if no one cared enough to look...?
Tears melted into the rain. I turned into a sobbing shivering mess. I thought of how no one would ever care enough to see me. Even if I was right in front of them. All they do is look, never seeing. Why can't they see the pain that I hold too close to me?
Sleep pressured me to fall to the ground, now soaked with fresh rain. It seeped through my clothes, through my skin, deep inside my bones. I slowly lifted my head to see the faint outline of a figure in the woods. I took off at a sprint towards it. By the time I realized it was a figment of my imagination, I was lost. Somewhere in the woods, alone. So alone. But I knew all I had to do was walk in one direction to find civilization. I chose not to move though. I chose to lie in the rain, soaking wet, shaking with fear. It was my own decision to do this. Before another thought could enter my mind, sleep hit me like a sledge hammer.
I woke to hands holding my head. Gently tugging on my hair. Warm hands. Safe... For a while I let my head rest in their lap. Not bothering to look to see who it was. Honestly, I didn't care. I felt safe, and loved. Loved that whoever this person was didn't walk by and leave me here to rot. Then there was a soft voice. A familiar voice... whispering something about the color of the leaves this season...
I knew that voice. I sat up with a jolt. He pulled me back into his arms. Of all the people in this world to find a dying girl in the woods, why couldn't it be a stranger?
I screamed and cried. Not this boy. Please, no. Words danced just out of reach, words with a voice. He was talking to me, but I'd rather block it out. This is my world, in my head, so why can't I change this?
Then my name.
"Wake up."
Too many voices. Rough sheets. Humming lights. Sterile scent. Papers flipping. Beeping. Consciousness... was pulling me back...
"Stop fighting it, Willow. It's time to wake up."