These nightmares are getting really bad.

I walked along the road back to the camp base. It wasn't that much further away. I bet I could get there in no time. A few minutes later the sun had fallen past the horizon. Darkness closed around me. At first I figured there was nothing to worry about. I was on a main road and nobody around here would do any evil. But then I remembered. But then it was too late. Vines wrapped harshly around my ankles. They pulled and tugged at my every limb. I tried so hard to break free, but thorns dug into my calves. I screamed out. In the dead of night, no one could hear me. Before I even hit the ground, I had lost consciousness. I dreamed of seeds yelling at me. Screaming out my flaws and wrongdoings. I woke to normality. The road was just as it was before. Not a vine in sight.

"We won't make it in time. The sun is already going down." I was frantically worried. No one had any idea what happened when I was captured by the vines at night.

"I promise it'll me fine, there's still some time left." Sarah skipped along the snow dusted on the edge of my driveway. The tree at the bottom was massive and out of proportion, as everything was in dreams.

The sun stopped falling. I didn't question it, just raced to the end of the road leaving Sarah muttering about a text message from Margot. The hole in the ground was very large. I slipped into it, somehow knowing it would lead to the base camp.

I was in an airplane. A girl sitting beside me, and people surrounding us. They announced I would be paired with my longtime friend, who I can't recall the name of. He looked over me and smiled. The smile gave me the same frightful feeling I had gotten when I felt my legs surrounded by thick plants. Fearful dread.

I woke up with tears swept along my face and my legs quivering. My mouth was full of sores from biting my lips in my sleep. The nightmares.

Nightmare.

It was so loud. Booming music reverberated throughout the massive room. Not that I had been drinking alcohol, but my head was spinning in the most amazing way regardless. I had no clue what was playing, because it was so loud. But it had an energetic feel with lots of background techno-like sound. There were so many people, all crammed together. Shoving against each other, people didn’t even know who they were dancing with. But with a smile so glorious and care free on their face, they didn’t care either.

The whole world seemed to lock into place in that gymnasium. Everybody was in synch, and nobody cared what race you were, or how tall you were, or how much makeup you wore. Every single person just was, and every single other person enjoyed you just being. It made you feel like you belonged. Like maybe it was somehow possible that someone out there in the world wanted you to be there at that exact moment so they could dance with you and a hundred other people.

A person walked by and grabbed me around the waist. Colors flashed and there was a flood of movement around me as people repositioned for the next song. Strobe lights glazed the walls and ceiling. The air was thick and heavy with the summer air. The arms around my waist loosened and the rhythm of the crowd quickened. The floor pounded from the jumps of countless people.

A breath in my ear, and I twirled to face it. Oh God, there was perfect face, the perfect person to share this moment with. My senses blurred into a grin. The lips facing mine mirrored my action. It was all I could do not to gape at this magnificent boy. This boy of my dreams, with coffee colored hair that smelled of the woods and reminded me of crashing waves. Hazel eyes with specks of white, yes there was an endless white in the color of his eyes. He had a soft jaw line that gave his face a lighter look, less serious. And finally, thin, but lush lips, which were moving. Why is he talking? Shut up boy, I just want to dance away what little time we have. But now that he was talking, of course I heard every word that came out of those delicate lips.

“I miss you. Come back to me.”

“Stop it! What is it with you and talking at the worst times possible?”

“You need to understand how much I-“

“Don’t care? Okay I get it. Can you please just leave me to savor this splendid moment? Thanks.”

“Willow, that’s not what I was going to sa-” His brow furrowed, but I didn’t want to hear it. Any of it.

The music turned up louder to drown out his words. Now it was impossibly loud, so loud I couldn’t hear a thing. I watched his chest rise and fall in an exasperated sigh. Giving in is easier, he would learn that eventually.

I took that moment to look around. The once exotic and beautiful party members had now turned to cardboard that moved stiffly. The bodies had no shapes, no faces, just a slab of cardboard with rough and pointy edges that wobbled around.

“LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO MY BEAUTIFUL PLACE. YOU’VE SPOILED IT. YOU’VE RUINED IT ALL.” The music changed to a dull, monotone beat. It sounded the tick of a clock, but deeper and more eerie. I pushed the boy away, but he didn’t stumble, didn’t even move.

“You are the one who has tainted the worlds. You can’t control anything. This is one thing you have to give up. No longer are you in my mind, Willow, never again will you be. What was the past stays in the past. We will never be. Stop trying.”

“My glorious dream… you turned it into a nightmare. You monster.” The girl’s voice shook. But I couldn’t connect with her body to make her strong again. I couldn’t bring reason to her, as her mind blocked it all out.

The boy sneered, and walked out. He just kept walking off into the Edge. The girl cried out and I reached for her, but it wasn’t enough. The cardboard beasts turned on her and beat her. One in particular grabbed her hair and pulled her head back. It had a face, and eyes of the color of a midnight storm, with evil laced through them.

“You should’ve known you would be no better without me. You’re stupid, and I pity you for that. But I won’t help you, because I don’t need you anymore. In fact, I never did. I used you, Willow. We all did.”

The girl bled from her wounds but made no sounds. She sat in silence and took blow upon blow. And I sat, far away, feeling every touch she received.

I woke up to the drone of my alarm clock. My face streaked with crusty tears. These nightmares won’t cease, and it kills me to remember in the morning.

I rushed to the bathroom before my mother could point out anything strange. I turned on the bath so no one would hear my cries. I washed away the evidence, and I sobbed, and I pretended to forget. Because that was the new routine these days.

Landscapes/Other

Landscapes/Other

Flowers/Garden

Check mate.

Sunsets (2)

(not a sunset, but still in the sky...?)

Sunsets (1)

Portraits

I am conquering my fear and uploading my best pictures.

2.44

One foot in front of the other, in a straight line, hips swaying dramatically. One foot in front of another. Following the invisible line that was somewhere deep in a memory, that line that always leads me forward. That's how I knew forward from backward. Walking backward felt like running through sand. You are blind, you are deaf, and you are stuck. By backwards, I don't mean the literal walking backwards like the children do in races to see who has swifter and more accurate feet. The kind of backwards I experience is through memories, and dreams of course.

You can get lost in a memory. It's not that hard, all you have to do is forget how you got there. You can't get away from something when you don't know how (or even if) you got there in the first place. And then before you know it, you're crying and screaming and you have no idea where or what you are. You are lost, in a memory.

There is pain, and you can feel it. You'd be surprised how strong a memory is. Every sense heightened. There is happiness, and it takes over you. Light pours out of you, like a sun. You are a sun. That's how happiness is.

I sit. Because that's what people do when they see a chair, or a stool, or a couch. No one stares at it like an idiot, wondering how many people in a factory touched it before the whole world went around sitting on it. Nope, normal kids don't do that. First thing you should know about me, I'm not normal.

Bend legs... yes I remember how to sit. I think. Voices buzz around me, god I hate that buzz. Music flips to full blast; I don’t even realize my fingers move sometimes. They take over me and they know what’s best for me. Thanks little dainty fingers, I appreciate it.

My name, Willow, is shouted from someone. People, can’t you see I’m trying to take root into the ground and become invisible? What are you doing calling out my name? Stupid children, we’re all so stupid. Great, now everyone is staring at me. Music turns down, fading away, no, sweet clarity and predictability, don’t leave me.

I greet them, those stupid children. I just want that buzz to go away. I hate how all their voices buzz like that. Maybe you can’t hear it, but I always do. It’s always eating away at me. How can these people walk around like it’s nothing, when their voices are causing such chaos?

“Shh…” I murmured to myself. I like to pretend I have power over all of them. That I could just stand up and whisper, “Shh” and they would never speak a word again. But, alas, I don’t.

The worst part of all of this is that my voice too buzzes.

“Hey Willow, how was your weekend?” If I had a buzz-ometer, it would’ve exploded by now.

“Fine,” The buzz settled around my shoulders, and into my ears. What a pain, this voice was.

“Why just fine and not good? You should have more good weekends, Willow.” Who the hell was this kid anyways? I lifted my head up for a better look.

It’s a boy. Great, these were the worst to get rid of. I assessed him carefully. Jet black hair, soft and thin looking, that framed his face nicely. He had big, wide eyes, surrounded by a line of eyelashes, blue eye color with flakes of golden. Interesting eyes I will admit… His body was lean and skinny, not in a muscular way though. Sickly pale skin wrapped around his stubby fingers.

“You checking me out?” He sneered at me. His voice was rich and thick, like a blanket. There was a slight hint of buzz, but not nearly as bad as the rest of them.

“No,” I keep it plain and simple. The less words the better.

Sickly Sweet Dreams (2)

I'm so stupid. How can I be SUCH a coward? It's not that hard to just say "Happy Holidays, Trevor." But of course, all I can manage is an over-exaggerated "HELLO" and lots of blushing. I'm probably better off liking him from a distance anyways. Getting too close to boys always ends in me cutting. Oh don't even start with the lecture, I give it to myself enough.

Erin giggles next to me. I look over, and she's staring at the front of the classroom. Right, there's a movie playing. It's a cute movie I guess. But I'm more interested in the person in my direct line of vision. Wow I've got it bad.

I lay my head down on the desk I'm sitting at. Might as well get comfortable. I take a bunch of deep breathes until I get dizzy. The world sways and twists. It's so peaceful. So beautiful... so dark.....

I sit upright with a jolt. The movie has stopped. Why?

"I'm so sorry guys, there's some technical difficulties, hehe. We're working on it, just chat amongst yourselves for now, haha." Ms. Carlton is always so smiley, and beautiful. I'm surprised she's not married.

Outside the sky was bright and pierced through the blinds. Damn it was sunny out. When did that happen? The room was filled with talking and laughter. But when I tried to pick out words, they didn't make any sense. It just sounded like a mess of people saying "bla bla bla bla" in different tones.

Trevor stood up and stretched. Oh God, I need to stop staring at him before he notices. Crap. Too late. A dazzling smile spread across his face. So beautiful. Shit. Now he's walking over. I could feel my face on fire, blushing is a weakness of mine.

Arms wrapped around my waist. Trevor was behind me. Was he? But he was just walking toward me... wasn't he? His scent filled my senses. The one big thing I noticed about guys was how they smell. Not like body odor smell. But just their natural smell. It's something I get used to and start to miss when they're gone. Because of course, they always leave.

Holy crap Trevor smells amazing. Don't forget how to breathe. That's when I noticed I'm not breathing. But I wasn't holding my breathe either. That's strange...

His voice in my ear. Gorgeous, he said. He's so close, almost impossibly close. Then he was in front of me. But no one moved... how did that happen?

Lips on mine. Eyes closed. It felt so real. I tried to keep my eyes closed because I didn't want to see what would happen next. But the body doesn't always obey the mind. Stupid body.

Eyes wide open. Different boy in front of me. Sly smile, filled with anger and satisfactory. You can only hide for so long, Willow. Those were the words his hideous lips formed. The same words he spoke every time.

A forceful shove brought me back. Reminder to self: thank whoever it was that is waking me up.

"WILLOW. WAKE UP. UGH. YOU MISSED THE WHOLE MOVIE." Silly Erin, I wasn't watching the movie in the first place.

I blinked away spots from the heavy sleep. Everyone is staring at me. What are they looking at? Am I that ugly?

Samantha walked past me and grabbed my arm, pulling me outside the classroom. Come on people, close your mouths. Teens sleep in class all the time.

"Willow... what were you dreaming about?" Sam's tone was more like a warning than a question.

"Who said I was dreaming?" Playing stupid is always the safer way out.

"You were screaming."

Oops. "Oh... did I interrupt the movie?"
"That's not the point. Must've been an awful nightmare to make you scream like that. You wanna talk?"

Nope. Never. Then people know. "Um, actually maybe later. I should probably go back in before people think I'm a total freak."

I jogged back into class before there was time for anymore questions.

The only question I had was, when did the dream start, and how much was real?

Sickly Sweet Dreams (1)

It was three in the morning, and raining. Thunder and lightning kind of rain. I loved this weather. Even in the dark. I rolled out of bed, but after already starting my roll, I realized this bed was higher, and I probably shouldn't roll off like this. But it was too late. Not like I cared anyway. I landed on the floor with a solid *thump*. I hope that wasn't enough to wake anyone up...

I grabbed my rain-boots, which I have placed just under my bed for this moment. Carefully tip-toeing down the hall, I checked my mom's room. Just to make sure everyone was sleeping soundly. Indeed they were. I continued my journey down the stairs to the front door. I had left it unlocked so I wouldn't have to make so much noise, even the slightest sound could shake the dogs from their light sleep. I gently pulled on the cold doorknob. There was a little resistance, as if warning me to not go. But I had to. I walked outside, and the cold and rhythmic beating of rain welcomed me. I breathed in deeply the smell of damp forest. It reminded me of home. I'm not sure where home is, but I’m sure it would smell identical to this.

I stepped out onto the cool and damp porch. Thunder cracked overhead. I closed the door behind me and walked into the secret night. I found myself with a silly smile on my face. I didn't know where I was going to go. Or when I planned on coming back home. But I could never be this happy in that house. My bags were packed. My writings held close. All I wanted was to start over, in a new home. With new friends. No more medicine, no more vitamins. No more worries. The thought of that line made my head start playing.

I convinced myself that this was just the beginning of something bigger and better than what I had before. But doubt was slipping in. Then I wondered... what if I never got to say goodbye to the one person that meant the world to me? What if they thought I had died and would just give up looking for me? What if no one cared enough to look...?

Tears melted into the rain. I turned into a sobbing shivering mess. I thought of how no one would ever care enough to see me. Even if I was right in front of them. All they do is look, never seeing. Why can't they see the pain that I hold too close to me?
Sleep pressured me to fall to the ground, now soaked with fresh rain. It seeped through my clothes, through my skin, deep inside my bones. I slowly lifted my head to see the faint outline of a figure in the woods. I took off at a sprint towards it. By the time I realized it was a figment of my imagination, I was lost. Somewhere in the woods, alone. So alone. But I knew all I had to do was walk in one direction to find civilization. I chose not to move though. I chose to lie in the rain, soaking wet, shaking with fear. It was my own decision to do this. Before another thought could enter my mind, sleep hit me like a sledge hammer.
I woke to hands holding my head. Gently tugging on my hair. Warm hands. Safe... For a while I let my head rest in their lap. Not bothering to look to see who it was. Honestly, I didn't care. I felt safe, and loved. Loved that whoever this person was didn't walk by and leave me here to rot. Then there was a soft voice. A familiar voice... whispering something about the color of the leaves this season...
I knew that voice. I sat up with a jolt. He pulled me back into his arms. Of all the people in this world to find a dying girl in the woods, why couldn't it be a stranger?

I screamed and cried. Not this boy. Please, no. Words danced just out of reach, words with a voice. He was talking to me, but I'd rather block it out. This is my world, in my head, so why can't I change this?

Then my name.

"Willow."

"Willow."

"Wake up."

Too many voices. Rough sheets. Humming lights. Sterile scent. Papers flipping. Beeping. Consciousness... was pulling me back...

"Stop fighting it, Willow. It's time to wake up."