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Saturday, December 25, 2010

Sickly Sweet Dreams (1)

It was three in the morning, and raining. Thunder and lightning kind of rain. I loved this weather. Even in the dark. I rolled out of bed, but after already starting my roll, I realized this bed was higher, and I probably shouldn't roll off like this. But it was too late. Not like I cared anyway. I landed on the floor with a solid *thump*. I hope that wasn't enough to wake anyone up...
I grabbed my rain-boots, which I have placed just under my bed for this moment. Carefully tip-toeing down the hall, I checked my mom's room. Just to make sure everyone was sleeping soundly. Indeed they were. I continued my journey down the stairs to the front door. I had left it unlocked so I wouldn't have to make so much noise, even the slightest sound could shake the dogs from their light sleep. I gently pulled on the cold doorknob. There was a little resistance, as if warning me to not go. But I had to. I walked outside, and the cold and rhythmic beating of rain welcomed me. I breathed in deeply the smell of damp forest. It reminded me of home. I'm not sure where home is, but I’m sure it would smell identical to this.
I stepped out onto the cool and damp porch. Thunder cracked overhead. I closed the door behind me and walked into the secret night. I found myself with a silly smile on my face. I didn't know where I was going to go. Or when I planned on coming back home. But I could never be this happy in that house. My bags were packed. My writings held close. All I wanted was to start over, in a new home. With new friends. No more medicine, no more vitamins. No more worries. The thought of that line made my head start playing.
I convinced myself that this was just the beginning of something bigger and better than what I had before. But doubt was slipping in. Then I wondered... what if I never got to say goodbye to the one person that meant the world to me? What if they thought I had died and would just give up looking for me? What if no one cared enough to look...?
Tears melted into the rain. I turned into a sobbing shivering mess. I thought of how no one would ever care enough to see me. Even if I was right in front of them. All they do is look, never seeing. Why can't they see the pain that I hold too close to me?
Sleep pressured me to fall to the ground, now soaked with fresh rain. It seeped through my clothes, through my skin, deep inside my bones. I slowly lifted my head to see the faint outline of a figure in the woods. I took off at a sprint towards it. By the time I realized it was a figment of my imagination, I was lost. Somewhere in the woods, alone. So alone. But I knew all I had to do was walk in one direction to find civilization. I chose not to move though. I chose to lie in the rain, soaking wet, shaking with fear. It was my own decision to do this. Before another thought could enter my mind, sleep hit me like a sledge hammer.
I woke to hands holding my head. Gently tugging on my hair. Warm hands. Safe... For a while I let my head rest in their lap. Not bothering to look to see who it was. Honestly, I didn't care. I felt safe, and loved. Loved that whoever this person was didn't walk by and leave me here to rot. Then there was a soft voice. A familiar voice... whispering something about the color of the leaves this season...
I knew that voice. I sat up with a jolt. He pulled me back into his arms. Of all the people in this world to find a dying girl in the woods, why couldn't it be a stranger?
I screamed and cried. Not this boy. Please, no. Words danced just out of reach, words with a voice. He was talking to me, but I'd rather block it out. This is my world, in my head, so why can't I change this?
Then my name.
"Wake up."
Too many voices. Rough sheets. Humming lights. Sterile scent. Papers flipping. Beeping. Consciousness... was pulling me back...
"Stop fighting it, Willow. It's time to wake up."

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