Oh the lists you'll see

I think I'll make another diary-like entry about my life.
So today is monday, happy monday guyz. monday doesn't deserve to be capitalized because monday's SUCK. Well I'm just chilling here, listening to Bon Iver because that's some real inspirational music. Reflecting on this month's events. (Here's a list because I like lists!)

1. Lost my best friend of eight years.
2. Merged into a new group of friends.
3. Narrowly avoiding a kiss from a man-slut.
4. Put ANOTHER label on myself.
5. Lost my best guy-friend.
6. Realized I'm head over heels for one of my best friends.
7. (The number seven reminds me of Thursday?)
8. My gecko died :(
9. Got stood up by my homecoming date.
10. Let my emotions get the best of me... tsk tsk!

There's my list. The end.

Just kiddinggggg :)

So to Sarah, in the unlikely event that you're reading this right now, I'm sorry that you can't see how much your boyfriend is ruining your life... how many friendships of yours he's cost you. It hurts me to even think about this, so I just won't.

Facebook is really stupid. It's like this huge popularity contest, plus it just fuels nonsense drama.
Its so easy to go through life with no purpose, just floating in the motions. But once you realize that you're an individual, it starts to hurt. You realize that there is no cookie cutter mold. We're raised being taught that we're all human, and therefore we all have characteristics in common. But I've grown to see that that isn't exactly true... So we decide to branch out and hold onto anyone that can even pretend to understand. That's why we toss around the "I love you" statement so much. Who wouldn't want to believe in undeniable love? It's such a comforting thought, that you can depend and trust someone that much. If it were true, maybe people would actually be happy.
I hope anyone reading this is happy. I hope there's something in your life that you want to see, want to know so bad that you keep hanging on. I'm sure it's worth it. To be honest, we're all walking the same road here. Might as well walk hand in hand :)

Spread some love <3

Greetings, from a broken heart

I am cursed.

I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday. "Whyyy?!" you might ask.
Since I like lists, here's a list of reason why:

1. This year, she's moving to another state to start college.
2. She is four years older than me, which I just realized is totally creepy.
3. Apparently she's BFFs with my ex best friend (let's call her Lena), who I happen to have some very messy history with.
4. I don't trust her.
5. I don't even like her as a person anymore.
6. I fell for four different guys since school ended. No guilty feelings at all about that, I might add.

So breaking up with her was all part of my plan. I guess I felt a little bad that she was totally upset about it... but that's honestly not my problem. But then I hear that her and Lena got high together, just a few days before she was shoving weed in my own face? Maybe I'm overreacting here. It could be completely normal that two girls who are four years apart and barely saw each other all year are suddenly smoking to oblivion together. And maybe its cool that when I came over her house she was almost in tears because I didn't want to make out CONSTANTLY. Oh and here it gets good... I tell her about guy number two that I had a crush on, and all my deep feelings about him.

And then she's silent for about five minutes.

Then she says "I love you." and goes in for a kiss.

Not exactly the response I was looking for, babe. Try again.

I think I'll go back to boys for a while.

But now I have to get some sleep, since tomorrow I'm going to a Jew Festival. I really wish I could tell you what that is.

Stay sexy my friends <3

P.S. the tenth was my birthday. happy belated birthday to me :)

Goodbye, Lia

                A sound, somewhere between a laugh and a sign, trickled out between my parted lips. I imagined the noise as a fine stream of light green mist, rising into the clouds.

                I could hear my heart pounding through my ears. My body felt overwhelmed, bursting at the seams, alive.

                The sun’s shine dried small drops of rain off my arms and chest. The grass beneath me was soaked.

                I used to think that I could outrun the rain. Not the drizzle-type rain, the deafening kind of rain. The weather where people crash their cars and houses topple over. People call me crazy for being in a wide open field when the skies are in the midst of a war. I find it the safest place in the world to be. Especially with Lia.

                I heard her muffled thud as she lied down beside me. I listened to her ragged breath as she attempted to slow her pulse.

                “You always beat me,” she said, the same green smoke trailing along her words.

                I smiled. “Only because you stop and look at every tree you pass.”

                “Why don’t you stop to look around? Have you ever noticed how beautiful the world is?” Her tone was light, the topic was not. She pulled her left leg up to her forehead, stretching her toned muscles.

                “I like to get here before you. After that I have plenty of time to observe my surroundings.” I reached over and curled a stray piece of her hair around my finger.

                Lia laughed. “Always so competitive,” she said.

                I turned my head and felt the rubbery grass crinkle around me. Her eyes, soft and golden, held mine. It was scary how she could do that, look and me and fill me with so much love. Sometimes I wished she would just away, I needed her to leave. I needed to step out of this frightening lust, and back into our comfortable friendship. I have to… but part of me wasn’t ready to let her go. This love felt so right, why should I have to give it up?

                Lia looked up at the sky. It had begun to rain again. Fat drops of water landed on my jeans. I watched them settle through the fibers.

                “I’m going home tomorrow,” Lia said her voice indifferent.

                “I know.” What else was there to say? I know you’ll always walk away. I know my home will never yours. I know I’m not good enough for you. But I can’t change her mind, I and I don’t want to either. I wished she would change her mind on her own. I suppose there could be a chance for her to come out, and tell me how much I mean to her. This happening was immensely unlikely.

                I stood up and brushed dirt off my palms.

                “Where are you going?” Now she begs. But it’s too late.

                “Lia, I cannot keep being your toy. This-” my voice cracked. She’s begging for this last moment, why am I backing away? This was what I wanted.

                She watched me as I wringed my hands and let out short sputters of breath. “Naomi, please, I’m sorry, you know…” Her words trailed off. She suddenly sounded very childish.

                I looked up and sighed toward the sky and I dug my heels into the soft soil. Rain splattered down around me. I was preparing for takeoff. I looked ahead to the line of trees. They were far away, but not far enough. Nothing would be far enough to get away. “What, Lia, what do I know?” I whispered to the floor, this beautiful, rich green floor. She heard me.

                “If you run again,” she gulped, “I won’t come after you this time.”

                Tears of fury shot up through my throat. “This time? Are you implying there was a time when you would try to find me? Have you ever put me first?” I could feel my muscles flexing, craving for me to run. I wanted to run so bad, worse than I ever had before.

                “No, no, I know you understand, come lay down, the clouds are so pretty.” She grabbed for my hand. Her eyebrows were knit together tightly. Her knees were bent, as if ready to pull me with all her strength. Lucky for me, she’s the weakest person I know.

                I shrank away from her touch like it was a burning flame. I don’t understand. I have no idea who this girl in front of me is; all I know is who she pretends to be.

                Lia plopped down on the ground, looking like a pitiful seven year old. And oh how I did pity her.

                “I just, I feel so lost, and I don’t know. I can’t be as confident as you. But that’s why I need you, because I know you can fix it and you…” She was talking to me, I think. She was whining. Dear god, shut up.

                I gazed off into the woods, thinking about all those kind whispers, and a pair of soft hands drifting over my face, never holding back. I thought of how different these two girls were. Then it struck me, after all the thinking and crying and thinking and expressing, I know what I want. Lia was still talking, now hiccupping in sobs.

                I reached down and pulled off my sneakers. I tied the laces together and hung it over my wrist. Lia screamed my name, she screamed for me to stop, to save her.

                It was pouring as I ran through the forming mud and flattened blades of grass. The sound of Lia’s cries was drowned out by the crack of thunder. My hair flowed behind me. Our field wasn’t so big. Before I knew it I had reached the edge of the woods. Of course, this didn’t stop me. I jumped over fallen branches and tapped on the trees that flew by. My legs had a mind of their own, my soul drifted above my body, watching as a gleeful smile reached my eyes.

                Go back to your boyfriends, Lia. I can’t keep waiting for you. I need someone who knows who they are, and she’s here. But it won’t ever be you.

Come home...

I opened my eyes lazily and watched the bare light bulb swing back and forth on a thick wire. I could hear the strands of copper rubbing against each other. I could smell the rust.

I closed my eyes and blew out a spiral of icy breath. I opened my eyes again. The light stopped swinging.

I was in an old kitchen; the house was thought to be abandoned long ago. But we never left. There was nowhere else we would rather be.

The counters were bare and shining, we never had a use for them. It was daytime. But no sunlight ever came in. Only shadows did, which made the kitchen sadder and more gloomy-like. The floor was cold, but there were no bugs or rats here. They didn't dare enter here.

I stood up and brushed the dust off my clothes. Instantly, I was struck with vertigo. I wondered how long I had been lying there, changing the world inside my head.

Lia coughed from behind me. One of us was always sick. She came to stand next to me. She was emitting fiery warmth. I put the back of my hand against her forehead.

"You're warm. You should take some medicine," I whispered. It was always whispers around here. Part of me was afraid if we're too loud, then the house would shatter.

Lia put her hand over mine, and held it tight. Half of her face was illuminated by the light. Her short hair was sticking out at odd angles, as it constantly was when she wakes up. Usually, she put her bangs into a ponytail that stuck straight up. It reminded me of a unicorn. But Lia was more beautiful, more majestic, and real. If only I were real too.

"I've been thinking a lot..." she said, avoiding eye contact.

"I love you," I said. I looked her dead in the eyes. I rubbed my thumb in circles over the smooth skin on the back of her hand. It brought me back, all the way back to when we ran down the empty streets, kicking pebbles, laughing at the breeze, smelling the grass that was never cut, splashing water from the pure ponds, the whole time we were hand in hand. We were always connected.

I watched her swallow hard. Look at me, Lia, please. Smile, for me. Something, anything. LIA COME BACK HOME. I pushed the thoughts at her, and I hoped a thousand times that one day she would get them. She would wake up from her daydreams and know how much I need her, right now.

Suddenly, my world got hot. So hot I could feel the thick air shoving its way down my throat. I choked. Lia stared at me hopelessly, like she always did at this point.

I knew how things went now. The air would get hotter and hotter. I would cough and scream and fall down. Lia would wrap her arm around my waist from behind me. Then she would put her nose against the back of my neck. Her cold breath saved me. Her simple words kept me alive. She would murmur into my ear, see you in the morning, love. Then she did. She was there when I woke up that day. When we woke up we laughed at each other's bed head, and ate breakfast together, and walked together, and then we sat with each other. We sat and neither of us talked, but both of us knew. We knew each other so well, words weren't necessary anymore. The world around us spun and spun, but we were living to our own tune. Eventually, time found us. Then I broke.

Now, I will wake up, because right now, at this very moment, it is time for me to keep going. I will count down the days. Worst of all, I will cry because Lia is hundreds of miles away and I have no idea if she is just fine without me. I have no idea if she has replaced me. Please, Lia, I love you…